The mind's many eyes
He asked me today, what is my ideal future like?
I am sitting here stumped. Firstly because I don't know what to say, and second, because I wrote two paragraphs of long winded glory and somehow it didn't save and disappeared completely.
But seriously, coming back to that question. I look back at my past, my dreams, the things I wanted to achieve and experience but never had the chance or bravery to do, and I wonder, if life gives you a second chance, what would you do?
Sometimes I imagine being reborn and rewriting all the missteps I ever made. But life is funny, you can plan all you want and then it shows up and smacks you in the face with something else. And mostly, even if I deny it, this something else does turn out for the best.
Many years ago, when I was young(er) and idealistic, I wanted to become someone that my parents would be proud of. I wanted to do something I would happily call a career and have an undying passion for. Then I would meet the love of my life, get married and have my mini mes (I am a normal girl after all).
Now I am 30 and life happened. I am not sure if I am someone my parents are proud of. I'm sure they don't speak of me anymore as how they do when I was a teen, full of hope and pride of my supposed "talents". I am nowhere near what I dream of doing and my excuses are time and money and a lack of confidence. As for love of my life and kids, I think there is this glimmer of hope in the horizon. But the thing is, I am too afraid to even hope. When you get dumped out of a marriage at 30, you do fear the future a little bit.
But, like it or not, this future is something that I would have to mold into a life where I can look back upon on my dying days as a life lived well. So what will it look like?
In my mind's many eyes, I see someone who is doing what she loves, and reaping all she could from the seeds of her sowing. The prose will come and the stories will flow. The words will dance on the page and will live on even after she dies.
The eyes also see a daughter, a giver. She gives back her parents that pride, and that rest they thoroughly deserved. She will give them little people, a new generation. Those whom they can spoil and bring back laughter and little voices in that big house of theirs.
And the little people. The eyes can see them, but there is an apprehension that it may be just a mirage. She looks at them anyway, looks at them talk, smile, laugh and they look back at her and tells her that they are hers and they will love her forever.
She hopes to see this kind of forever with another person as well. This one is the one closest to her grasp, it is not just an image in those many eyes. She wants him to be with her through her best and her worst, and to love her like how the little people will love her, if not more. She sees the both of them sharing the present, and all the futures.
As I look back upon all this, my ideal future never really diverted from my past, what I wanted to achieve and the life I wanted to have. It's not so much material things, concrete dreams or plans of things that I must do before I die. When I think of my so-called bucket list, I would not mind giving up all those little frivolous things for these core ideals. Yes, I think I wouldn't mind at all.
I am sitting here stumped. Firstly because I don't know what to say, and second, because I wrote two paragraphs of long winded glory and somehow it didn't save and disappeared completely.
But seriously, coming back to that question. I look back at my past, my dreams, the things I wanted to achieve and experience but never had the chance or bravery to do, and I wonder, if life gives you a second chance, what would you do?
Sometimes I imagine being reborn and rewriting all the missteps I ever made. But life is funny, you can plan all you want and then it shows up and smacks you in the face with something else. And mostly, even if I deny it, this something else does turn out for the best.
Many years ago, when I was young(er) and idealistic, I wanted to become someone that my parents would be proud of. I wanted to do something I would happily call a career and have an undying passion for. Then I would meet the love of my life, get married and have my mini mes (I am a normal girl after all).
Now I am 30 and life happened. I am not sure if I am someone my parents are proud of. I'm sure they don't speak of me anymore as how they do when I was a teen, full of hope and pride of my supposed "talents". I am nowhere near what I dream of doing and my excuses are time and money and a lack of confidence. As for love of my life and kids, I think there is this glimmer of hope in the horizon. But the thing is, I am too afraid to even hope. When you get dumped out of a marriage at 30, you do fear the future a little bit.
But, like it or not, this future is something that I would have to mold into a life where I can look back upon on my dying days as a life lived well. So what will it look like?
In my mind's many eyes, I see someone who is doing what she loves, and reaping all she could from the seeds of her sowing. The prose will come and the stories will flow. The words will dance on the page and will live on even after she dies.
The eyes also see a daughter, a giver. She gives back her parents that pride, and that rest they thoroughly deserved. She will give them little people, a new generation. Those whom they can spoil and bring back laughter and little voices in that big house of theirs.
And the little people. The eyes can see them, but there is an apprehension that it may be just a mirage. She looks at them anyway, looks at them talk, smile, laugh and they look back at her and tells her that they are hers and they will love her forever.
She hopes to see this kind of forever with another person as well. This one is the one closest to her grasp, it is not just an image in those many eyes. She wants him to be with her through her best and her worst, and to love her like how the little people will love her, if not more. She sees the both of them sharing the present, and all the futures.
As I look back upon all this, my ideal future never really diverted from my past, what I wanted to achieve and the life I wanted to have. It's not so much material things, concrete dreams or plans of things that I must do before I die. When I think of my so-called bucket list, I would not mind giving up all those little frivolous things for these core ideals. Yes, I think I wouldn't mind at all.
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