Scars and scabs
Sometimes I wonder if a divorced person still carries the scars from his or her previous marriage to their new relationships, even if they say they have moved on. These scars then affect everything: their trust, their judgement, their behaviour, their speech, their actions and reactions.
I'm no expert on this topic, although I am currently experiencing it. I tell myself I have moved on, and I strongly feel that I have moved on. I feel that I can slowly change into a better person, a better partner because of my past mistakes and experience, but have I really?
With that experience, being in a new relationship sometimes do feel like I'm walking on egg shells. And whenever I make mistakes (or revert to a behaviour that I am not proud of, tantrums, picking fights, saying hurtful things I don't mean), it scares me so much that I will be left behind again. But then I would find that pride somewhere and tell myself, if this person cannot accept the real me warts and all, why bother? Maybe a selfish person like me is not made to be in a relationship after all.
It's especially hard when both partners have a history. It's one thing to compare battle scars, but it's another when you pick the scabs and the wound reopens. Sometimes you would have an expectation of how your partner should behave, what they should do. And your partner, on the other hand, have an expectation on what you should contribute to the relationship, and what you should do.
We all have different expectations when it comes to relationships. What is acceptable in your past may not be looked at kindly by your present partner. You would think that after the turmoil of the past you would be more prepared, but you're not. The most difficult person to control and change is yourself.
So this begs the question, how do you do it? How do you make the scars disappear, and change into a better person?
I'm no expert on this topic, although I am currently experiencing it. I tell myself I have moved on, and I strongly feel that I have moved on. I feel that I can slowly change into a better person, a better partner because of my past mistakes and experience, but have I really?
With that experience, being in a new relationship sometimes do feel like I'm walking on egg shells. And whenever I make mistakes (or revert to a behaviour that I am not proud of, tantrums, picking fights, saying hurtful things I don't mean), it scares me so much that I will be left behind again. But then I would find that pride somewhere and tell myself, if this person cannot accept the real me warts and all, why bother? Maybe a selfish person like me is not made to be in a relationship after all.
It's especially hard when both partners have a history. It's one thing to compare battle scars, but it's another when you pick the scabs and the wound reopens. Sometimes you would have an expectation of how your partner should behave, what they should do. And your partner, on the other hand, have an expectation on what you should contribute to the relationship, and what you should do.
We all have different expectations when it comes to relationships. What is acceptable in your past may not be looked at kindly by your present partner. You would think that after the turmoil of the past you would be more prepared, but you're not. The most difficult person to control and change is yourself.
So this begs the question, how do you do it? How do you make the scars disappear, and change into a better person?
Your scars and insecurities make who you are but don't let your past define who you are and what you can be =)
ReplyDeleteThat is what I keep telling myself. :) but good to be reminded now and then. Thanks!
ReplyDelete