Seven years after
A lot can happen in seven years. A lot of living, loving, losing, changing, doing, seeing and sometimes reflecting.
What I haven't done is putting all that life events, changes and growth on this blog. There are a lot that should have been recorded for my own reading and memory when I'm older, which I simply missed.
In 2013, on my last active period sharing things here, I was only 31 years old. At that time, I was in a serious relationship of slightly more than a year old after getting divorced in 2012, I left my job of five years and said goodbye to the world of advertising, I decided to join my boyfriend's company as he said he needed me to help him and I began to be supremely busy. I also got hooked on Twitter, at that point there wasn't many judgy strangers in my midst and it's a freer place to express.
And then I stopped writing. What have happened in my life since?
Life
I am now on the wrong side of 30s, scarily close to 40 but hoping I would live that long. I feel like I have gone through a lot in that several years, things that forced me to acknowledge my immaturity, that opened my eyes, and made me feel both alive and very dead. At the same time, I have grown into a person confident of my tastes or preferences, content with my choices and happy with my surroundings.
I have swallowed my own words countless times, fought with my own ego and self-importance and tried to dampen it. I have learned to live with my multitudes of imperfections, my growing mortality every day I'm older, and towards this end of my 30s, feel that time is moving unnaturally fast.
I am clinging to hope that I will have many years left, and especially with my few loved ones. And as I grapple with ever increasing impermanence, I think of the many ways to continue existing.
Love
I married my boyfriend. He is now my husband of five years. We have no kids, and are not planning on having kids, much to everyone's confusion and amusement. He's my best friend in every sense of the word, we share everything and take care of each other, in good and bad health and through everything life throws our way.
I want to grow older with this person, and we want to do so many things together. I like that he is smarter than me in some ways, that he is hard working, and takes care of me, and he likes that I am smarter than him in other ways and makes him a better human being. We laugh uproariously together - it makes me really happy when I make him laugh - we see the world together, experience fun and sadness together, and I like that we are frank with our opinions with each other, even when we don't agree. Someone told me once that I needed someone whom I could respect, someone who stands up to my bullshit, someone who has a backbone and it's true.
Our wedding was small and beautiful, it was unpretentious but in good taste because with both of us on our second marriage, we were given a lot of freedom by our parents and there were no busybody relatives with opinions trying to add their salts to the broth. We also chose a global public holiday for our wedding date, so that we could spend our anniversaries while on holiday and never would have to work on that day (the date choice also meant some close friends couldn't attend the wedding because they were on their vacations).
In these several years we've been together, there were the inevitable ups and downs, truly memorable days and experiences, things that made us bond ever closer (for example, body parts one should not have seen or touched, but have due to illness and thus, I told him - well, now that you've seen it, I guess we're stuck for life), common enemies forged, thoughts and secrets shared, and dreams that ebbed and flowed with the changes we are faced in life.
Family
Here are some updates about my family. I don't see them as often anymore, but my husband and I do go out for meals with my parents.
Abah: He has recently retired from the bank he gave over 30 years of his life for, culminating in a CEO role for the bank's subsidiary for several years before having his contract not renewed because the Central Bank "young punks who know nothing about running businesses, that's why they are regulators" as he always described them, thought he was too old.
His bank, which had proposed him to continue based on, oh, the subsidiary outperforming expectations quarter after quarter, then had to give him his old role before he became the CEO of its subsidiary, which he did until the end of last year, after which, he fully retired. I feel that it's a bit sad because he really loved his job despite his many complaints about it and he was good at it. For his last quarter as CEO, the bank did really well, and I told him, at least you left with a bang. He agreed. Then I said, but too bad there won't be any more new calendars next year.
Mama: She has been doing her own things for years, real estate, manufacturing businesses that didn't take, others I have no idea what about. She doesn't tell me things, really. Usually I find out things late, or after the fact. She also is close to my siblings, whom I think are her favourite children. I found out a couple of years ago I think, that when we were babies, she never woke up when we cried in the middle of the night. My dad had to do it. Maybe that explains why I don't feel as bonded to her as I should.
These days, she mostly takes care of the house after their helper of 20 years retired and returned to Indonesia. There is also something going on in her days that I may write about someday after it has all played out, and that thing is consuming a lot of her time and energy, and she is angry about the injustice of it all. Initially I offered to lend her a book about the art of not giving a fuck, but told her she can't read it while on the toilet, so she declined. One of her new hobbies, after my sister graduated and she can't use that as an excuse to travel Europe anymore, is K-dramas. She even knows some Korean.
Brother: Brother is as how he was. There isn't any big change mentally and physically except his head is full of thick grey hair and I still feel the urge to shake him and say mean things to him sometimes. He helps my mother with her various businesses, and controls everything in that house. We had a big fight not too long ago, about politics of all things (this is why I hate politics) and didn't speak for a couple of years, and he avoids a lot of family events - as he always does. But he was there at my wedding, despite not attending my sister's because they had a fight then.
Speaking of fights, he is also involved in the events tormenting my mum and to a lesser extent, my dad. I guess that is giving him a boost of vital energy, a reason to keep going and to help protect my parents. At the most recent raya, he was there at the house, and was in an OK mood. I gave him his duit raya this year after boycotting him the last couple of years for not apologising to his older sister like a normal Malay sibling would.
Sister: As mentioned, she has graduated. We flew for her graduation ceremony at her big name university, but at the last minute, she wouldn't allow the siblings (and sibling in law) to attend. We were a bit hurt, but because she is a favourite of mum's, and can get away with whatever she wants, we let it go and decided to just enjoy the holiday anyhow. This is one of the many instances of her probably deeply embedded hatred of us, which I learned during one of the times when we weren't fighting in this past years. Apparently, I wronged her in some way when I was young and in college because I had my own life and demons and didn't see what's going on in hers, and my brother wronged her in other ways.
But she also told me a lot of things that my mum refused to share with me, which helped me understand things better, and I appreciated that. For example, why my mum's relationship with her younger sister (formerly my favourite aunt) deteriorated until they are no longer speaking to each other. So the story is that the aunt borrowed money from my mum many times, and never returned any of it, and then decided to avoid my mum and my family afterwards. And she is still carrying on with her social-climbing life, with her friends from high places (whom my sister bitterly said probably never helped her and her husband). I also learned about something heartbreaking that happened to our brother when he was a kid which is why he is how he is now. But I'll stop at that.
My sister interned with us for sometime before going back to school, got a job at one of the big four firms, then complained that they only give the big clients to new jobbers who have Tan Sri / Datuk parents. She refused a second interview at one of the big investment companies before choosing that job, because the firm was government-linked, which I thought was a waste but what do I know. Now she is working for another government-linked firm, this one even 'worse' because it has a dot gov in its email, so I guess she has finally seen life.
She got married a few years ago, no kids yet. Her husband is a nice, decent dude who is smart and I think loves her a lot. He also worked with us when he first graduated for a couple of years, then he left because apparently my small little firm has no future for growth - according to my sister of all people. Also my mum got them a condo for their wedding - when this happens, there is absolutely no question that my mother has favourites. We are still not talking due to a falling out because of something she said on Twitter that pissed me off, and she has not apologised so we communicate via our parents, if there is any need to do so. Before her wedding there was also a falling out because she didn't like something trivial I did, maybe it was posting her picture on Instagram or something but she came around before the event because someone died and then she remembered me. Or was that a prior falling out? I can't remember, there are too many falling outs.
In-laws: I have new in-laws this past five years, but no mother in law as she has died. My husband has two brothers and a sister, who is now married with a kid, so I have a nephew now. My siblings in law are great, one of them works with us, and there is some normalcy in their sibling-relationship that I like.
My husband's father has remarried and they now have stepsiblings from the stepmother's previous marriages (yes that woman was married twice before). Relationship with the stepmother is awkward and brimming with tension, but we all have now learned to be polite and to tolerate, even though for my siblings-in-law and husband, they don't see her as a mother, so I don't see her as a MIL either. It's quite freeing. Relationship with the stepsiblings are strange as they are quite sullen. This is strange as their mother moved into my husband's father's house. The story with the stepmother might deserve a post sometime in the future, we'll see.
Cats
All the cats from my former MIL's house have passed away. All this happened after I moved out. They died, in this order: Boboy, Lulu, Coco, Witty, Kiki and Bubu.
I cried the hardest when Witty died, but managed to see her body, kiss her and attend her burial, a week after I saw her for the last time at the vet where she did not recognise me. I thought Witty was a boy for the longest time and only knew he was a she in Malaysia, years after bringing her home from Indonesia. Witty was the one I lost when I split from my ex. But I'm glad her last years were filled with love and she found another mummy in my former MIL.
I cried the second hardest when Boboy died, he with the fierce personality and loyalty, and deep love in his heart. Both he and Witty used to sleep with me at night. I never got to see him for the last time.
Bubu held on the longest, and died of really old age for a Malaysian cat. Before, he had to watch his 'wife' Lulu die, then his kids Coco and Kiki of sickness.
Last year, the last cat at my parents house have died as well. Chucky held on until old age and finally let go. I still remember her as a kitten, given to me but ended up being my brother's. Silver and Moody had both died before. Both from illness. Now, my parents house has become a refuge for stray cats, and my parents have adopted three cats - one with feline HIV, a pregnant stray who recently had kittens and a male cat.
In our house, my husband and I have adopted a cat called Cat, or was it that we were adopted, or chosen by the cat? We found him after watching a movie at the mall near where we live, a few months after we got married. He was a tiny kitten of around 4 months, alone and surviving on McDonalds. We both thought he was clever, and very very cute. I said to my husband, if he follows us, we're taking him home. Other people tried to get the cat to come to them but he refused, then by some magic, he followed us. So we took him home and now he is our spoiled child, a wedding gift from God. He helped me be calm, ease my teeth grinding, he smells nice and he's a very handsome and smart boy who somehow understands human talk about mischief and knows how to open sliding doors, drawers and certain doors by watching. I hope he will grow old together with us.
Career
I am now a director in the company my husband founded, which I joined because I didn't know what to do with my life after leaving my old job. I ended up taking over the Zain's (his former partner) shares, and together we have transformed the place from something he was experimenting with and wanted to close, to something we could be proud of. We even dreamt of the place outliving us, being around for more than a hundred years.
In these few years, I learned that I am actually quite bloody brilliant, and my training as an advertising slave years ago have prepared me for the slog and for the hard days, and I'm glad I have my husband as my boss/co-director, he has taught me so much.
We have hired many, a handful staying with us until now, fired some, seen good ones leave for other opportunities, seen bad ones disappear, been betrayed, been cheated, been used, been copied. We had built a great reputation for our work, had that same reputation dragged through the mud by lies and conspiracies, we had fought back, we had decided to not let people fuck with us. Along the way, we gathered battle scars on our faces, our back bent from the weight of this burden that we have seriously given thought of giving up.
Ups and downs, the highs were highs and the lows depressing. We have felt burned out, anxious and depressed for a multitude of things. We learned many things the hard way, with him being trusting and taking people as they are, with my paranoia about people's trustworthiness growing. We learned to survive defensively, we tried to be brave and attack.
Along the way, we learned a lot about people and companies, and found out that running a business in this country is a nightmare, if you don't tick certain boxes about familial connections, if you refuse to be a political goon (or what husband likes to say, a VIP bag carrier), if you are local, if you have a certain skin colour.
We had been bullied, some from people abusing power in the highest office, some from those representing a person in the highest office, and yet we survived. It makes them and their goons mad. And every time we get trampled on I pray for them to get what they deserve, for the punishment to come and surprisingly it did. Every single time.
He works everyday, my husband. Even on holidays, even on breaks there are hours when he is switched on. We had come to a point where we have decided that enough is enough and that we are looking for a plan B and creating plan C - one that would preserve our sanity, our lives and allow us to not give a fuck. For what it's worth, I hope this story has a happy ending for us, especially for my husband as he works so hard and he is so kind. It is, after all, only fair.
Friendships
I don't see much of my friends now and I hardly go out or hang out, except for date nights with my husband or to shop, concerts, movies, plays and the like and as is expected of friendships that don't get a lot of activity, it grows distant.
I can still talk frankly to my other best friend and good friends from school, college or from Fighters Club,but mostly I see them at events like weddings or open houses or should they move to another country (like Singapore), we go for drinks. There were funerals but I haven't gone to them.
Nowadays, I see my friends on social media or speak to them via WhatsApp. They don't see much of my life, they usually don't know much about what I'm going through and I expect, vice versa.
I think this is probably a part of growing older, becoming more of myself (introverted?), that I no longer feel the need to surround myself with people, with fun, with so much contact. Being alone or with my one human companion is great.
Money
If you read my posts from those years before, you will see a constant: I was always broke and talking about not having money. I was paid little for a lot of work, I didn't get to go on trips, but because of my appalling lack of confidence and probably my lack of talent or impressive qualifications, I never bothered to search for more.
After a few years of backbreaking work with the husband, I am now comfortable. At least, the company is able to compensate me accordingly. I'm not sure if it will last due to the recent global disaster (this will come in another post), but I have some savings now that means I could breathe a little.
I can also afford things I like that I couldn't afford all those years ago, from experiences to things, and I now buy books like I'm hoarding for the apocalypse.
Deaths
Some of notable deaths for the past few years are those of my former brother-in-law (from liver cancer), and my mother-in-law (from lung cancer).
My MIL passed away one month after my husband and I got married. It happened in China, at the hospital where she was treated. It took a few days to bring her home. Only husband and I were here to arrange everything, and his father and siblings were in China. But we got to see her the month before she died, that was the last time we saw her alive.
Health and Well-being
My health have been erratic, as it should be when one is growing older. Although I should feel glad that I have not had any serious illnesses, I'm worried a little about how I live my life (not as debauched but what annoying articles call 'sedentary'), and about my mental health and it's potential effects to my physical health.
I quit yoga, I started running. Then I quit running, picked up muay thai. Then quit muay thai, picked up running and gym. Then I quit gym, picked up running. Then picked up personal trainer so got to do both running and gym, then quit the PT, and am now sat on my ass wondering how my thighs got fat and secretly dreaming sassy comebacks to people who said I got 'big'.
I'm actually not overweight but I did put on weight and flab, that because of my age now, refuses to disappear, even with exercises and Spanx. Counting how much I need to lose makes me depressed and tired. So I decided to just live with it and buy clothes as appropriate. I do miss being lithe (lol) and not seen as ugly, but after a while it doesn't matter anymore, I can even make jokes about it.
As for my mental health, I have been wracked by anxiety and some mild 'functional' depression, as well as insomnia for the past couple of years. It's mostly due to a tough client who made me and team work every day and every public holiday (even raya first day, 9am already asking for report for something that isn't even necessary), and spoil vacations (demanding an ad hoc report when they know I'm on leave and it is a weekend). And the final coup de grace is putting an absolute Cow in the role of the GM for the unit that we served, in what is now a successful effort of driving us out. All because this particular client felt that we were legacies of the former Heads of that department and were trying to get us out. Because of this (I wish such dreadful bullying of vendors be illegal and punishable by violent flogging or other medieval torture), I was in constant fear of uncertainties, and of losing the client, and whatnot. Even worse, when I see that same client claim in the media they allow their staff to work 4-day weeks (sure they do, they make their vendors work to death so they could enjoy that shorter work week!), I feel like telling the world who they are. They don't treat those whom they feel are nobodies, and are not their 'people', as human.
But now I'm a bit better because that is done and dusted and we are free, although now in 2020, as we all know, there is a major event to worry about when it comes to health and survival.
Travels
In the past several years, the husband and I have gone places, we have traveled for vacations, for a weekend, for events like concerts or plays, for work.
Our honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand - a combination of concert and holiday, was one of the best trips in my life. My favourite band, a beautiful city with gorgeous nature nearby, the feeling of peace and freedom, the fresh air, the adventures...
Other places we've traveled together these past several years were London, Amsterdam, Paris, Istanbul, Brussels, Sydney, Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Singapore, Koh Samui, Phuket, Bangkok, Jakarta, Dar es Salaam. Locally, we discovered a couple of nice, quiet, undiscovered by the Instagram hordes kind of places.
Some places we went multiple times for the love of it or the lack of ideas or the lateness of booking / planning.
I can't wait until we can travel again, we wanted to go to Cape Town late last year but the flight tickets were insanely expensive at the time we wanted to travel (due to our lateness and peak period). Let's hope we will get to do so by year end.
Books
In the past few years, I started to read a lot. I read daily, and I don't have a big gap between books. I can only read one book at a time, but after constantly doing it, I've become good, and fast.
This is an amazing achievement for someone whom in kindergarten was described as slow, and in primary school, as average (by a school friend who became a doctor - well, I guess the typical condescending doctor personality was forged early in her life), but had developed into a bookworm in order to learn better.
I now have an insane amount of unread books in what modern readers call the TBR pile (to be read pile) so I don't have to worry about what to read next. I have also taken to share what I read (picture of book covers) on my social media so other people would also be influenced into becoming voracious readers.
I am no longer judgy (well I am, but I'm kinder) towards what I read, but I do express care about buying the books to read. I give everything I enjoy five stars on Goodreads, not caring whether it's cool or not to like it, and three stars are now given to books with writing I dislike, that is borderline bad but have initial potential. Two stars are only given for those with really bad writing.
I look back at how I "grade" my previous readings and am ashamed because hey, these people create, who the fuck am I to give them stars and tell them their work is bad even though they won the Booker Prize or National Book Award or have a gazillion fans? And I'm also annoyed by book critics and people on Goodreads for their book reviews. I usually bitch on Twitter, but my criticisms or opinions are few and far between.
Music
My tastes have not changed much, but I have also enjoyed a lot of classical music and jazz these past years. I have also given in and paid subscription for Spotify after I was forced to stop collecting CDs due to the only record shop in my area closing down.
So now I'm on Spotify while working, while online and while driving, and have a monstrous collection of playlists and albums and artistes on my account. Sadly, I don't own them.
In 2012, my life started to unravel right after Foo Fighters cancelled their Singapore concert. Guess what? I have now seen them twice. Once in New Zealand, and another time in Singapore. I would've seen the Foos three times (twice in Auckland) if only the small, intimate show they planned went ahead and their equipment truck didn't get into an accident.
I also saw Muse (in Singapore - too broke during my first job to see them in Jakarta), Metallica, Death Cab for Cutie, Metric, Fleet Foxes, The Killers, Incubus a few times, The xx, Smashing Pumpkins, Wye Oak, Foals, Snow Patrol and Bon Iver, among others.
Bon Iver's show in Jakarta was the last one I went to this year, before the major global event happened. I wonder when I will get to watch a live show again.
Anyway, I am glad that one of the things I had in my bucket lists those years ago, I have ticked many times.
Dreams
I now have dreams of that major thing I want to do in my life, but as always I have no confidence and no will to start. I am learning along the way though, reading a lot. That is all I will say for now because I don't want to jinx it by sharing.
So those are most of all the things that I have done, seen, experienced these past years, stuff that had happened, and how I have grown as a person and how life has somehow progressed.
I don't know if I have any wisdom to share, but I know I will keep sharing on here.
What I haven't done is putting all that life events, changes and growth on this blog. There are a lot that should have been recorded for my own reading and memory when I'm older, which I simply missed.
In 2013, on my last active period sharing things here, I was only 31 years old. At that time, I was in a serious relationship of slightly more than a year old after getting divorced in 2012, I left my job of five years and said goodbye to the world of advertising, I decided to join my boyfriend's company as he said he needed me to help him and I began to be supremely busy. I also got hooked on Twitter, at that point there wasn't many judgy strangers in my midst and it's a freer place to express.
And then I stopped writing. What have happened in my life since?
Life
I am now on the wrong side of 30s, scarily close to 40 but hoping I would live that long. I feel like I have gone through a lot in that several years, things that forced me to acknowledge my immaturity, that opened my eyes, and made me feel both alive and very dead. At the same time, I have grown into a person confident of my tastes or preferences, content with my choices and happy with my surroundings.
I have swallowed my own words countless times, fought with my own ego and self-importance and tried to dampen it. I have learned to live with my multitudes of imperfections, my growing mortality every day I'm older, and towards this end of my 30s, feel that time is moving unnaturally fast.
I am clinging to hope that I will have many years left, and especially with my few loved ones. And as I grapple with ever increasing impermanence, I think of the many ways to continue existing.
Love
I married my boyfriend. He is now my husband of five years. We have no kids, and are not planning on having kids, much to everyone's confusion and amusement. He's my best friend in every sense of the word, we share everything and take care of each other, in good and bad health and through everything life throws our way.
I want to grow older with this person, and we want to do so many things together. I like that he is smarter than me in some ways, that he is hard working, and takes care of me, and he likes that I am smarter than him in other ways and makes him a better human being. We laugh uproariously together - it makes me really happy when I make him laugh - we see the world together, experience fun and sadness together, and I like that we are frank with our opinions with each other, even when we don't agree. Someone told me once that I needed someone whom I could respect, someone who stands up to my bullshit, someone who has a backbone and it's true.
Our wedding was small and beautiful, it was unpretentious but in good taste because with both of us on our second marriage, we were given a lot of freedom by our parents and there were no busybody relatives with opinions trying to add their salts to the broth. We also chose a global public holiday for our wedding date, so that we could spend our anniversaries while on holiday and never would have to work on that day (the date choice also meant some close friends couldn't attend the wedding because they were on their vacations).
In these several years we've been together, there were the inevitable ups and downs, truly memorable days and experiences, things that made us bond ever closer (for example, body parts one should not have seen or touched, but have due to illness and thus, I told him - well, now that you've seen it, I guess we're stuck for life), common enemies forged, thoughts and secrets shared, and dreams that ebbed and flowed with the changes we are faced in life.
Family
Here are some updates about my family. I don't see them as often anymore, but my husband and I do go out for meals with my parents.
Abah: He has recently retired from the bank he gave over 30 years of his life for, culminating in a CEO role for the bank's subsidiary for several years before having his contract not renewed because the Central Bank "young punks who know nothing about running businesses, that's why they are regulators" as he always described them, thought he was too old.
His bank, which had proposed him to continue based on, oh, the subsidiary outperforming expectations quarter after quarter, then had to give him his old role before he became the CEO of its subsidiary, which he did until the end of last year, after which, he fully retired. I feel that it's a bit sad because he really loved his job despite his many complaints about it and he was good at it. For his last quarter as CEO, the bank did really well, and I told him, at least you left with a bang. He agreed. Then I said, but too bad there won't be any more new calendars next year.
Mama: She has been doing her own things for years, real estate, manufacturing businesses that didn't take, others I have no idea what about. She doesn't tell me things, really. Usually I find out things late, or after the fact. She also is close to my siblings, whom I think are her favourite children. I found out a couple of years ago I think, that when we were babies, she never woke up when we cried in the middle of the night. My dad had to do it. Maybe that explains why I don't feel as bonded to her as I should.
These days, she mostly takes care of the house after their helper of 20 years retired and returned to Indonesia. There is also something going on in her days that I may write about someday after it has all played out, and that thing is consuming a lot of her time and energy, and she is angry about the injustice of it all. Initially I offered to lend her a book about the art of not giving a fuck, but told her she can't read it while on the toilet, so she declined. One of her new hobbies, after my sister graduated and she can't use that as an excuse to travel Europe anymore, is K-dramas. She even knows some Korean.
Brother: Brother is as how he was. There isn't any big change mentally and physically except his head is full of thick grey hair and I still feel the urge to shake him and say mean things to him sometimes. He helps my mother with her various businesses, and controls everything in that house. We had a big fight not too long ago, about politics of all things (this is why I hate politics) and didn't speak for a couple of years, and he avoids a lot of family events - as he always does. But he was there at my wedding, despite not attending my sister's because they had a fight then.
Speaking of fights, he is also involved in the events tormenting my mum and to a lesser extent, my dad. I guess that is giving him a boost of vital energy, a reason to keep going and to help protect my parents. At the most recent raya, he was there at the house, and was in an OK mood. I gave him his duit raya this year after boycotting him the last couple of years for not apologising to his older sister like a normal Malay sibling would.
Sister: As mentioned, she has graduated. We flew for her graduation ceremony at her big name university, but at the last minute, she wouldn't allow the siblings (and sibling in law) to attend. We were a bit hurt, but because she is a favourite of mum's, and can get away with whatever she wants, we let it go and decided to just enjoy the holiday anyhow. This is one of the many instances of her probably deeply embedded hatred of us, which I learned during one of the times when we weren't fighting in this past years. Apparently, I wronged her in some way when I was young and in college because I had my own life and demons and didn't see what's going on in hers, and my brother wronged her in other ways.
But she also told me a lot of things that my mum refused to share with me, which helped me understand things better, and I appreciated that. For example, why my mum's relationship with her younger sister (formerly my favourite aunt) deteriorated until they are no longer speaking to each other. So the story is that the aunt borrowed money from my mum many times, and never returned any of it, and then decided to avoid my mum and my family afterwards. And she is still carrying on with her social-climbing life, with her friends from high places (whom my sister bitterly said probably never helped her and her husband). I also learned about something heartbreaking that happened to our brother when he was a kid which is why he is how he is now. But I'll stop at that.
My sister interned with us for sometime before going back to school, got a job at one of the big four firms, then complained that they only give the big clients to new jobbers who have Tan Sri / Datuk parents. She refused a second interview at one of the big investment companies before choosing that job, because the firm was government-linked, which I thought was a waste but what do I know. Now she is working for another government-linked firm, this one even 'worse' because it has a dot gov in its email, so I guess she has finally seen life.
She got married a few years ago, no kids yet. Her husband is a nice, decent dude who is smart and I think loves her a lot. He also worked with us when he first graduated for a couple of years, then he left because apparently my small little firm has no future for growth - according to my sister of all people. Also my mum got them a condo for their wedding - when this happens, there is absolutely no question that my mother has favourites. We are still not talking due to a falling out because of something she said on Twitter that pissed me off, and she has not apologised so we communicate via our parents, if there is any need to do so. Before her wedding there was also a falling out because she didn't like something trivial I did, maybe it was posting her picture on Instagram or something but she came around before the event because someone died and then she remembered me. Or was that a prior falling out? I can't remember, there are too many falling outs.
In-laws: I have new in-laws this past five years, but no mother in law as she has died. My husband has two brothers and a sister, who is now married with a kid, so I have a nephew now. My siblings in law are great, one of them works with us, and there is some normalcy in their sibling-relationship that I like.
My husband's father has remarried and they now have stepsiblings from the stepmother's previous marriages (yes that woman was married twice before). Relationship with the stepmother is awkward and brimming with tension, but we all have now learned to be polite and to tolerate, even though for my siblings-in-law and husband, they don't see her as a mother, so I don't see her as a MIL either. It's quite freeing. Relationship with the stepsiblings are strange as they are quite sullen. This is strange as their mother moved into my husband's father's house. The story with the stepmother might deserve a post sometime in the future, we'll see.
Cats
All the cats from my former MIL's house have passed away. All this happened after I moved out. They died, in this order: Boboy, Lulu, Coco, Witty, Kiki and Bubu.
I cried the hardest when Witty died, but managed to see her body, kiss her and attend her burial, a week after I saw her for the last time at the vet where she did not recognise me. I thought Witty was a boy for the longest time and only knew he was a she in Malaysia, years after bringing her home from Indonesia. Witty was the one I lost when I split from my ex. But I'm glad her last years were filled with love and she found another mummy in my former MIL.
I cried the second hardest when Boboy died, he with the fierce personality and loyalty, and deep love in his heart. Both he and Witty used to sleep with me at night. I never got to see him for the last time.
Bubu held on the longest, and died of really old age for a Malaysian cat. Before, he had to watch his 'wife' Lulu die, then his kids Coco and Kiki of sickness.
Last year, the last cat at my parents house have died as well. Chucky held on until old age and finally let go. I still remember her as a kitten, given to me but ended up being my brother's. Silver and Moody had both died before. Both from illness. Now, my parents house has become a refuge for stray cats, and my parents have adopted three cats - one with feline HIV, a pregnant stray who recently had kittens and a male cat.
In our house, my husband and I have adopted a cat called Cat, or was it that we were adopted, or chosen by the cat? We found him after watching a movie at the mall near where we live, a few months after we got married. He was a tiny kitten of around 4 months, alone and surviving on McDonalds. We both thought he was clever, and very very cute. I said to my husband, if he follows us, we're taking him home. Other people tried to get the cat to come to them but he refused, then by some magic, he followed us. So we took him home and now he is our spoiled child, a wedding gift from God. He helped me be calm, ease my teeth grinding, he smells nice and he's a very handsome and smart boy who somehow understands human talk about mischief and knows how to open sliding doors, drawers and certain doors by watching. I hope he will grow old together with us.
Career
I am now a director in the company my husband founded, which I joined because I didn't know what to do with my life after leaving my old job. I ended up taking over the Zain's (his former partner) shares, and together we have transformed the place from something he was experimenting with and wanted to close, to something we could be proud of. We even dreamt of the place outliving us, being around for more than a hundred years.
In these few years, I learned that I am actually quite bloody brilliant, and my training as an advertising slave years ago have prepared me for the slog and for the hard days, and I'm glad I have my husband as my boss/co-director, he has taught me so much.
We have hired many, a handful staying with us until now, fired some, seen good ones leave for other opportunities, seen bad ones disappear, been betrayed, been cheated, been used, been copied. We had built a great reputation for our work, had that same reputation dragged through the mud by lies and conspiracies, we had fought back, we had decided to not let people fuck with us. Along the way, we gathered battle scars on our faces, our back bent from the weight of this burden that we have seriously given thought of giving up.
Ups and downs, the highs were highs and the lows depressing. We have felt burned out, anxious and depressed for a multitude of things. We learned many things the hard way, with him being trusting and taking people as they are, with my paranoia about people's trustworthiness growing. We learned to survive defensively, we tried to be brave and attack.
Along the way, we learned a lot about people and companies, and found out that running a business in this country is a nightmare, if you don't tick certain boxes about familial connections, if you refuse to be a political goon (or what husband likes to say, a VIP bag carrier), if you are local, if you have a certain skin colour.
We had been bullied, some from people abusing power in the highest office, some from those representing a person in the highest office, and yet we survived. It makes them and their goons mad. And every time we get trampled on I pray for them to get what they deserve, for the punishment to come and surprisingly it did. Every single time.
He works everyday, my husband. Even on holidays, even on breaks there are hours when he is switched on. We had come to a point where we have decided that enough is enough and that we are looking for a plan B and creating plan C - one that would preserve our sanity, our lives and allow us to not give a fuck. For what it's worth, I hope this story has a happy ending for us, especially for my husband as he works so hard and he is so kind. It is, after all, only fair.
Friendships
I don't see much of my friends now and I hardly go out or hang out, except for date nights with my husband or to shop, concerts, movies, plays and the like and as is expected of friendships that don't get a lot of activity, it grows distant.
I can still talk frankly to my other best friend and good friends from school, college or from Fighters Club,but mostly I see them at events like weddings or open houses or should they move to another country (like Singapore), we go for drinks. There were funerals but I haven't gone to them.
Nowadays, I see my friends on social media or speak to them via WhatsApp. They don't see much of my life, they usually don't know much about what I'm going through and I expect, vice versa.
I think this is probably a part of growing older, becoming more of myself (introverted?), that I no longer feel the need to surround myself with people, with fun, with so much contact. Being alone or with my one human companion is great.
Money
If you read my posts from those years before, you will see a constant: I was always broke and talking about not having money. I was paid little for a lot of work, I didn't get to go on trips, but because of my appalling lack of confidence and probably my lack of talent or impressive qualifications, I never bothered to search for more.
After a few years of backbreaking work with the husband, I am now comfortable. At least, the company is able to compensate me accordingly. I'm not sure if it will last due to the recent global disaster (this will come in another post), but I have some savings now that means I could breathe a little.
I can also afford things I like that I couldn't afford all those years ago, from experiences to things, and I now buy books like I'm hoarding for the apocalypse.
Deaths
Some of notable deaths for the past few years are those of my former brother-in-law (from liver cancer), and my mother-in-law (from lung cancer).
My MIL passed away one month after my husband and I got married. It happened in China, at the hospital where she was treated. It took a few days to bring her home. Only husband and I were here to arrange everything, and his father and siblings were in China. But we got to see her the month before she died, that was the last time we saw her alive.
Health and Well-being
My health have been erratic, as it should be when one is growing older. Although I should feel glad that I have not had any serious illnesses, I'm worried a little about how I live my life (not as debauched but what annoying articles call 'sedentary'), and about my mental health and it's potential effects to my physical health.
I quit yoga, I started running. Then I quit running, picked up muay thai. Then quit muay thai, picked up running and gym. Then I quit gym, picked up running. Then picked up personal trainer so got to do both running and gym, then quit the PT, and am now sat on my ass wondering how my thighs got fat and secretly dreaming sassy comebacks to people who said I got 'big'.
I'm actually not overweight but I did put on weight and flab, that because of my age now, refuses to disappear, even with exercises and Spanx. Counting how much I need to lose makes me depressed and tired. So I decided to just live with it and buy clothes as appropriate. I do miss being lithe (lol) and not seen as ugly, but after a while it doesn't matter anymore, I can even make jokes about it.
As for my mental health, I have been wracked by anxiety and some mild 'functional' depression, as well as insomnia for the past couple of years. It's mostly due to a tough client who made me and team work every day and every public holiday (even raya first day, 9am already asking for report for something that isn't even necessary), and spoil vacations (demanding an ad hoc report when they know I'm on leave and it is a weekend). And the final coup de grace is putting an absolute Cow in the role of the GM for the unit that we served, in what is now a successful effort of driving us out. All because this particular client felt that we were legacies of the former Heads of that department and were trying to get us out. Because of this (I wish such dreadful bullying of vendors be illegal and punishable by violent flogging or other medieval torture), I was in constant fear of uncertainties, and of losing the client, and whatnot. Even worse, when I see that same client claim in the media they allow their staff to work 4-day weeks (sure they do, they make their vendors work to death so they could enjoy that shorter work week!), I feel like telling the world who they are. They don't treat those whom they feel are nobodies, and are not their 'people', as human.
But now I'm a bit better because that is done and dusted and we are free, although now in 2020, as we all know, there is a major event to worry about when it comes to health and survival.
Travels
In the past several years, the husband and I have gone places, we have traveled for vacations, for a weekend, for events like concerts or plays, for work.
Our honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand - a combination of concert and holiday, was one of the best trips in my life. My favourite band, a beautiful city with gorgeous nature nearby, the feeling of peace and freedom, the fresh air, the adventures...
Other places we've traveled together these past several years were London, Amsterdam, Paris, Istanbul, Brussels, Sydney, Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Singapore, Koh Samui, Phuket, Bangkok, Jakarta, Dar es Salaam. Locally, we discovered a couple of nice, quiet, undiscovered by the Instagram hordes kind of places.
Some places we went multiple times for the love of it or the lack of ideas or the lateness of booking / planning.
I can't wait until we can travel again, we wanted to go to Cape Town late last year but the flight tickets were insanely expensive at the time we wanted to travel (due to our lateness and peak period). Let's hope we will get to do so by year end.
Books
In the past few years, I started to read a lot. I read daily, and I don't have a big gap between books. I can only read one book at a time, but after constantly doing it, I've become good, and fast.
This is an amazing achievement for someone whom in kindergarten was described as slow, and in primary school, as average (by a school friend who became a doctor - well, I guess the typical condescending doctor personality was forged early in her life), but had developed into a bookworm in order to learn better.
I now have an insane amount of unread books in what modern readers call the TBR pile (to be read pile) so I don't have to worry about what to read next. I have also taken to share what I read (picture of book covers) on my social media so other people would also be influenced into becoming voracious readers.
I am no longer judgy (well I am, but I'm kinder) towards what I read, but I do express care about buying the books to read. I give everything I enjoy five stars on Goodreads, not caring whether it's cool or not to like it, and three stars are now given to books with writing I dislike, that is borderline bad but have initial potential. Two stars are only given for those with really bad writing.
I look back at how I "grade" my previous readings and am ashamed because hey, these people create, who the fuck am I to give them stars and tell them their work is bad even though they won the Booker Prize or National Book Award or have a gazillion fans? And I'm also annoyed by book critics and people on Goodreads for their book reviews. I usually bitch on Twitter, but my criticisms or opinions are few and far between.
Music
My tastes have not changed much, but I have also enjoyed a lot of classical music and jazz these past years. I have also given in and paid subscription for Spotify after I was forced to stop collecting CDs due to the only record shop in my area closing down.
So now I'm on Spotify while working, while online and while driving, and have a monstrous collection of playlists and albums and artistes on my account. Sadly, I don't own them.
In 2012, my life started to unravel right after Foo Fighters cancelled their Singapore concert. Guess what? I have now seen them twice. Once in New Zealand, and another time in Singapore. I would've seen the Foos three times (twice in Auckland) if only the small, intimate show they planned went ahead and their equipment truck didn't get into an accident.
I also saw Muse (in Singapore - too broke during my first job to see them in Jakarta), Metallica, Death Cab for Cutie, Metric, Fleet Foxes, The Killers, Incubus a few times, The xx, Smashing Pumpkins, Wye Oak, Foals, Snow Patrol and Bon Iver, among others.
Bon Iver's show in Jakarta was the last one I went to this year, before the major global event happened. I wonder when I will get to watch a live show again.
Anyway, I am glad that one of the things I had in my bucket lists those years ago, I have ticked many times.
Dreams
I now have dreams of that major thing I want to do in my life, but as always I have no confidence and no will to start. I am learning along the way though, reading a lot. That is all I will say for now because I don't want to jinx it by sharing.
So those are most of all the things that I have done, seen, experienced these past years, stuff that had happened, and how I have grown as a person and how life has somehow progressed.
I don't know if I have any wisdom to share, but I know I will keep sharing on here.
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